Always Feeling Behind?

     

     As a wife & mother of 5, my plate is rarely empty.  There's always more laundry, another meal, school work, church services, appointments, errands that should've been accomplished days ago, discipline, someone's birthday celebration, holidays every few minutes, etc & sometimes several happening all at once.  I rarely have white space on my calendar that stretches more than 3 days in a row.  Even if you are reading & have chosen to head your life with career or any other option, it's likely you can relate.
   

Women tend to keep running lists swarming in their heads.  

Mine is often something like:

• We are all alive today & have all brushed our teeth (pet peeve=tooth brush Nazi).  Check!
• Everyone ate something & most of us are dressed.  Check!
• School work finished.  Check!
• Everyone loaded in the van finally looking descent WITH SHOES.  Check!
• Lunch will be on the go since it's nearing 1 (or even 2).  Coming up next...
• After I answer the 5 texts that were very unimportant but said person thought were imminent.  Check!
• Call to change an appointment on the road.  Check!
• Just remembered that I forgot to take deposit to the bank for the 3rd day in a row.  Pondering whether this be life threatening?  Suddenly panicking that I have no idea where it even is...
• Someone is fussing.
• 2 others are singing loudly.
• Cell phone rings.  Mostly I decline calls.
• The fuss has turned to fighting that cannot be ignored.  
• We arrive at the destination.
• All the while my phone dings notifications.  Probably unimportant anyways...
• I assess hair as everyone exits the vehicle.  Check!
• I find out that it was the end of the world that someone said stupid.  I try to muster the correct responses.  Maybe a check?
• We spend 3 times more money & time than expected in town.  Check as always & not even taken by surprise.
• Load up.  Everyone looking half ragged now but overall breathing & tired.  Check!
• On the way home I remember the one thing I went to do that I didn't get/do.  DUH!!!
• Turning in on 2 wheels to unload the Walmart sacks (preferably 50 per arm as to save time), put up only the cold items, bathe, have supper, & rush off to church...Can I do this?
• Headed to church with everyone looking like we have it all together.  Check!
• Having an adult conversation for 2 seconds before a phone or kid(s) interrupt.  Again?
• Blah, blah, blah!

& ends with all those guilty thoughts about what I should've done, what I shouldn't have spent, how I could've answered so & so differently, how so & so didn't get answered at all, how this is due, how this kid is behind on a well check, & how I cannot possibly be at 2 birthday parties at the same time until FINALLY~I sort out every detail of what can be tossed off the list, what HAS to be done the very next second possible, & what can wait.

     Most nights I stay up until the wee hours of morning finding a fun way to teach the next concept to the kids, researching whatever thoughts are left swirling in my mind sporadically during the day, reading books that challenge me, praying, or sitting as I am now typing away even though it's nearing 2 am.  The kids get their time, Nathan & I get our time, & this is my time.  This is the time I have set aside for just me & God.  During the day, sure I pray & praise & try to ring out every possible teachable moment.  However, that time is usually shared with others.  This is the time I carve out, the time when I prepare myself for the journey ahead.  The time I choose to prepare to fight the good fight, to read God's word & listen ever so closely without interruption.  Once my thoughts clear, I can sleep like a baby.
     How do I turn off the world?  I just told you how.  I set aside preparation.  One must sacrifice in order to achieve.  I can't offer my family anything if there's nothing left, no reserve.  Take advantage of whatever time works for you to strategically plan.  Grasp a hold of your vision & revisit priorities.  Think through the failures where you misspoke or misspent.  Take a hard look in the mirror.  Reevaluate.  Pray, study, & pray, pray, pray.  Praise God for your blessings, for a chance to try again.  Adjust.  Wash your face.  Be ready to face another day with your head held high.  If you have only lemons, make lemonade, & do it right!
     My most frequently asked questions:  How do I do it all?  How do I not loose it?  How do I find the time & muster the energy?  How do I feel joy & peace in the chaos all the while the world seems to be falling apart at the seams?  My answer is simple.  Take time for God.  He alone has everything under control.  Without Him, I am nothing.  He is my battle plan.  He holds the key to success.  He paves the way.  It may not always "feel" good & the future may look unclear, but His ways are steady & true.  He will not lead us astray.  He loves with a love that our feeble minds cannot begin to comprehend.  He holds the future.  I don't have to think about it.  All I must focus on is holding to His hand.  Within myself, I am nothing.  I can't do enough.  The hours tick by unannounced.  It seems as if just yesterday I began this journey & today we have a 14 year old & staring at our 15th anniversary.  We have already survived more years of marriage than the average couple, have more children than the norm, pastoring a church an hour away at a young age, a move, career change, the recent death of a close grandmother, more broken bones & surgeries than we had ever let enter our minds, bills higher than we could pay at times, unanswered questions, blame, blatant lies, criticism, doubt, fear, uncertainty, & the list goes on way too long.

BUT GOD

     But with God, our days are brighter, our steps are lighter, our spirits are lifted.  We walk unburdened for He bears our burdens.  We walk out in faith, holding on to hope.  We have a love immeasurable.  He doses our salvation with sanctification, covers us with His sweet Holy Ghost, & fills us with His light for all the world to see the Sonshine.  If I choose not to trust Him, I fall apart.  I wound those I love & care for the most.  I eventually find myself at His feet once again surrendering self if there will be any good thing to come from this clay again.  If anything, it is a gift only wrapped through Him & by Him.  Time for God isn't an option.  It's the only thing that satisfies an otherwise unquenchable thirsty soul.
     After we die, bills will still come in our name.  Taxes will probably be owed for that year too.  Hopefully, money will still be in our bank account.  With my track record, my vehicle will need cleaning, my purse will have trash floating around in it which may be safer to discard than salvage, & my laundry basket will not be empty unless of course my mama just sent her angel over or my friend Kendra happens to be visiting.  Also, don't judge by the scrapbooks I left behind because in that case I only have 2 heirs...(Future note to my little 3~Life threw us a curve ball having you back to back.  This mama loves you so big that I just chunked that aside to actually have time to love on you & spend every second being with you instead of documenting it perfectly.)
     It's not our job to be ahead.  There will always be something on our to do list left unchecked.  There are gazillion stories of the "perfect" degree that doesn't land a dream job, the "perfect" couple that split, the picture of "perfect" health that was diagnosed, etc.  Perfect for me tonight is staying up after everyone here is snug in bed pouring out my heart & praying that God use it to bless a soul.  We are not behind.  We are not forsaken.  We will not settle for overwhelmed or never enough.  In short, 1 Peter 5:6-11, God's word clearly states, "He may exalt you in due time...for He careth for you...the God of all grace...make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.  To Him be glory & dominion for ever & ever.  Amen."