& Let There Be Light

     

     The house is dark & quiet.  Everyone is sound asleep.  I hear rain hitting the tin roof above & see the sun rising.  I am perfectly at home with my thoughts as my fingers glide across the keyboard.  It's my 1st morning of the New Year.  TBH, I woke disappointed in myself.  I have no resolutions or major goals.  My thoughts immediately ran to that because it is so out of character for me.  I haven't had a coke in 5 days so that's gotta count for something, right?  That's not exactly earth shattering.  I am disappointed in myself because I have let others drag me down for a couple of years now.  I noticed when I logged in, that I haven't written but 19 times in 2016.  Mostly that was birthdays & holidays.  Nothing much heartfelt, more posts were out of obligation than sharing my heart even though others have reached out & encouraged me to.  I wasn't lying when I used the old crutch "busy."  Who isn't busy?  Sadly, I've been busy dwelling in my own little private prison.  It's safe & warm here.  I'm only surrounded by those I love & who love me back.  Simply put, if I don't invite you in, you can't hurt me.  The thing about it is, if I share with others the braces that hold up my walls, I won't be bound any longer.  I will be free.  I will be free to let the light in.  It may hurt again since I'm not use to it anymore, but light is not only good for the body but also the soul.  In fact, it may just be the SOULution...
     At first, I put up these walls because I was hurt.  I was hurt by false words, lies if you will.  Words have a way of cutting deep.  Well, I'm all bled out I guess.  I wasn't just hurt by lies.  People are people.  Lies they will tell.  That just happens.  Mostly, I was hurt at God.  Anyone ever been there?  God why?  Why are you letting this happen to me, to us?  I put up braces of shelter from others.  I chose separation & isolation.  Those words that were once so foreign to me became me.  You had to be on a visiting list so tiny that I was almost impossible to access.  Dearest person(s) who would proclaim from rooftops that I was the one who hurt you, I was not.  I did nothing but let your words sear me.  I lost my voice that night.  I didn't & purposed that I wouldn't do to you what you have done to me.  Yes a soul can be wrung dry when it bears hurtful words.  I wasn't strong enough to carry the weight.  My fight or flight instinct kicked in.  I chose flight.  I lit out into the dark, crushed & abused.  That's when the building began.
     My safehaven wasn't exactly God.  It wasn't addictions or sin.  It was just my safety zone where your words bounced off & rung in my ears.  The enemy of my soul tried his best to grow hate BUT God.  He still held the key.  He visited my heart.  We sat up late nights when sleep wouldn't come.  He was there.  He never left.  The scripture really is true where it says He will never leave nor forsake you.  He's definitely good on His word.  He listened to my story.  He would calm my troubled heart.  He would let me cry out all my tears.  He would cut down the new weed growths & sew in love among the blood thirsty thorns.  I needed His light to shine through the storm.
     You know when you shed light on darkness, darkness must give way to the light.  There's no way around it.  So yes, I'm breaking down walls this 1st morning of 2017.  I'm proclaiming that I'm not living in that box anymore.  God has fed & watered me while you were out sewing discord.  Yes, matter of fact, I am calling you out on your injustice.  I am not the person you say I am or have been nor ever will be.  I have not returned your favor of flying around in the same circles that we both started out in & tried to ruin you.  I stepped out of those circles & flew the coop before you even circled your wagons.  While your mouths made haste & untruths made rounds around the country, I was busy building walls for just me & my select little few.  You will never convince me nor will evidence ever convict me of returning to you what you have given to me.  Truth will always stand up to Father time.  Yes, I shut you out & that door remains closed.  Insults & lies will never be apart of my life no matter how good the person who is carrying them looks.  God does not command us to rub shoulders with them that seek to do evil.  Sin covers beautiful garments with filth & a stench that no man can hide.  You may fool others, but you will not fool God.  & in the end, that's all that really matters.  Sin won't enter into Heaven unless covered by the blood.
     I am His sheep.  He has left the ninety & nine to come find me, nurse me back to health, & release me.  I stand marveled at His works as I ponder our journey together.  He specializes in making ways where there seems to be no way.  When you lied & said how you had watched as our ministry has been going down for years, He blessed anyways.  He sent revivals.  His anointed met us there.  His kingdom was increased.  As you lied & used God's name by saying He was finished with us, you obviously didn't know my God.  When you discouraged our hopes & worked against our dreams, He multiplied them.  He has richly blessed.  My God loves, & He loves EVEN YOU.  Your words do not hold so much weight as to bind the God of this universe.  I'm sorry you were mistaken.  God is not in anything that is not in Him.  God isn't in hurting.  He is a God of love.  He isn't in tale bearing of any sort.  Yes, I am fully aware that you think you told the truth & were helping Him out by spreading the word.  Maybe you just forgot what you said & did & left any of that out of the tales.  Sad.  That's not God.  Your words did not set the record straight.  Instead, it brought confusion.  It brought pain.  It has delivered to you a hand that you never knew you'd have to deal with.  You may smile or have good times.  We pray that you do.  But we know there is a hole ever present in your lives that you dug yourselves.  We pray that you find repentance & peace.  That is not telling others you are sorry or that you have done all you know to do or even making the cheap statement that we don't forgive.  That is very simply to make peace with God, let Him lead you in how to make peace with the others you used to try to destroy us, & maybe one day God will open the door between us.  Only time will tell.  In case you don't know, what you do speaks so loudly that we cannot hear what you say.  Talk is cheap.  Forgiveness has nothing to do with you.  Yes, you hurt us but do not hold the power of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is of God & all about our hearts being free from your hurt & beating in step with His.
     During this last couple of years, I have been accused of writing about you, sending hidden messages in my blog.  You know I'm not that shallow.  I even quit writing just to prove that too only to find out that I was wrong to let you hinder me.  This isn't even about you, it's TO you.  See, no one will know it's you (or you or you) unless you (or you or you) have discussed it with them (or them, or them, or them, etc).  & to the "thems."  I am so sorry you or your family or anyone else has been drug through this.  I would not have wished that on anyone.  I hate the situation.  I hate the publicity it has been given.  I hate that you have heard lies & have been forced into deciding to believe, not believe, or just be really standoffish because you only know what 1 party to the story has told.  When did 1 party to a story ever hold so much weight except within the realms of gossipers?  You see, you are not alone.  Other ones have also given way to lend a listening ear.  Some have added to, threw some more junk in with it, & passed it around as well.  I wish I could tell you that was ok, but it's not.  Hearing something, believing it, & especially repeating something about someone else that you never checked with the accused to see if it were true, is not ok & never will be.  It adds your name into the web that Satan has woven & uses your name as an instrument to kill God's anointed & stop His will from being done.  Faithful real friends have stood in our corner & rather they have been brave enough to ask us about the ordeal or not, have encouraged us to continue to see good in this world & people.  It's been hard.  We appreciate every prayer that's been prayed, every kind word, hug, tears, & smiles.  God knows.  He loves His people.  We can overcome even this through Him.  The most important thing is that we all make sure our actions are led by God & that's He's pleased with what we listen to just as much as what we say & do.
     Through all of this, I must ask a few favors~if you consider us horrible people or have no confidence in our ministry even though you lack the decency to check with all parties involved, PLEASE unfriend us not only in social media but also real life.  Don't be fake.  Don't smile & hug our necks or kiss us as Judas did Jesus.  Don't lie & say you love us when you prove otherwise.  Don't copy or read or add your two cents as you send & share & pick through our posts.  Don't read into them, looking for clues or answers.  We are moving forward.  I am tearing down walls.  Just as we don't need enemies attacking, we sure don't need your hand involved to help that either.  Trust me, there have been too many opportunities to quit without you adding another.
     Our vision for 2017 includes tearing down walls to reach out, to lay down all of the fears, to wade through the muck & mess of life, to help someone that wants & needs our help.  We have love to offer, God's love.  He makes ways.  He changes lives.  Life has changed us.  The devil has sent something our way that we never expected BUT GOD's plan is to work it for our good.  We may not know why or how.  We may not know when, but we know who!  So yes world, I am back to blogging, back to getting up again & showing up for life.  I'm back to dwelling on my favorite Bible character Nehemiah.  He was a rebuilder.  We desire to build for God.  We desire to make something out of the rubble, even if we must at the same time wear our swords & fight.  It's a fight worth fighting!  Souls are at stake!  Broken lives are made beautiful in Him.  He's a pain taker & a chain breaker.  He specializes in miracles.  He's a way maker.  He LOVES all~all of the bound & the poor & oppressed & the homosexuals (yes homosexuals), you that give ear to lies & even you liars as well.  His love is limitless & cannot be bound by sin.  He found even me, in my brokenness of heart.  He restores.  He makes all things new.  He is the potter.  I am the clay.  He creates new beginnings.  He compels all of us believers to join His fight.  No, I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
     I read a famous blog about Christmas that really stuck with me.  It said something like I would rather my kids have 5 gifts & your kids have 5 gifts, than mine to get 10.  God has used those words to alter my life.  We have everything we need & most all of our wants.  We don't need or want more stuff.  We want to lend a hand to those that don't have without poking holes of judgement right through the pieces of their already torn hearts.  We want to give without anything being returned.  We want real, honest people with faults & failures to form relationships with.  We want to give love.  We don't want to hear your crying over your own spilled milk.  We are too adult for that.  Clean up your mess.  God will do the rest.  We want to help those that want help & tell them that we too know how it is feels to be hurting.  Hurt does not only apply if you do wrong.  Hurt does not happen to the deserving.  No one deserves the hurt the Devil dishes out.  We must set down the hurt & pick up His love, undeserving & unworthy as we are.  We must reach out in hope & offer hope.  The only hope we have to offer is through Him & by Him.  May we go forth & spread His good news in this New Year & embrace this opportunity for a new you!  There's a new page in a new book gifted for 2017.  Write a good one, through Him!